the two new years of 2024
january 1, and lunar new year
i had the honor of celebrating two different new years this year. one was a classic countdown; with my friends crowded around me on the street, soju in hand, screaming “3, 2, 1!” and fireworks exploding around us in symphony. the other one was quiet and restful; my family sitting around the dinner table. kneading dumpling skins. the steam rising from the altar for my ancestors. the bright red fu door stickers popping out on each neighbor’s home as i walk home from the market.
this was my first trip back to china in nearly a decade. i've always known this, but i experienced again what it’s like being the only one in my entire family that doesn't speak chinese fluently. not only in my inner family, but my entire extended family; i am the only one who grew up in america, who speaks in broken chinese, who thinks in english, who dreams in english.
yet to come back, to commune with my family in the ways i know them now, is more than enough for me. i can hold both the grief of being away for many years, and the joy of finally being here now in the same body.
shot on a mix of 35mm film, digital on canon r6 and olympus pen ep-1
rolling around unfamiliar words in my mouth, testing how it feels. it is met with a longing to know more; a grief that this is the first time i'm learning a simple word, at 24 years old.
we made many trips to the vegetable market: preparation for lunar new year starts days in advance!
the haul!
tai o, the stilted fishing village
爷爷, 奶奶; 20 years ago(ish)
reunited with cousins; changsha + zuzhou //
i often think about how the one child policy in china has affected my relationship with my cousins. it’s often more like brothers + sisters, since none of us have siblings.
many fish; a symbol of wealth
rare january sun in taipei
shanghai, for a few days
lily vs. ramen
the stroke of midnight
my grandmother’s hands; a shanghainese woman living in jinan.
where the lake meets the sun, meets the moon.
spent the better part of a week in sun moon lake, biking around, sunbathing, and soaking in the lush atmosphere. the sunsets here were unlike any other.
an ocean of bicycles; lantau island, hk
<3
being back in china makes me wonder all over again what it would be like if we never left. if i grew up in china alongside my cousins, speaking chinese, dreaming in chinese.
we'll never know. i will never understand what it would truly be like. i can both grieve the loss of a life of another parallel universe of which my mother never immigrated, and honor the riches of love, family and native language that i know to ring true in this life.
the start of 2024, these parallel celebrations of a new year, i will keep close to my heart.
until next time <3
